Dan is home. I am lonely.

How does that work?

This is how the day goes:

On a day that D works, he gets up when he wants.  Does what he wants until he has to leave for work. Is gone for 14 hours. Gets home. Sleeps. Repeat.

One days that he doesn’t work:

I work. I get up with Nate.  Get him and myself ready, while D sleeps. Wake D up when I leave.

I work.

I come home.

Feed, bath and entertain Nate until his bedtime. Put Nate to bed.

Dan takes a nap as soon as Nate is in bed and wakes up just in time for ME to go to bed.

What kind of life is that? Why bother being married? On the seldom occassion that D doesn’t nap in the evening….it’s TV until bedtime.  Yippee!

Is he avoiding me? I don’t know. Sometimes I think so. Sometimes, I think he really is just that tired. I just feel like there is no effort being made to spend any time together.  I am bored and lonely.

Yeah. Not so much.

2 nights this week, Nate has woken up…and has decided it’s playtime.  This isn’t the norm for him..but, it happens.

Anyway, I understand that D is working and can’t take care of things if Nate stays up for any extended amount of time. I get it.  BUT..both times Nate has woken up, D has come in to say Nate has been up for almost 2 hours and he can’t do anything for him.  I ask D is he has given him Motrin or Orajel. Both nights the answer was NO.  So, what do I do? I get up, comfort Nate for a bit, put some orajel on him, set him back down in his crib and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ right back to sleep.   Yet, somehow D still has it in his head that that has nothing to do with it, and Nate had just tuckered himself out. 

Heaven Fucking forbid he admit that I know what to do with my kid.

I called him @ 7:30 when N went to sleep.

This was the conversation:

D: Hello.

Me: Hey. He’s asleep.

D: Already? It’s early.

Me: Umm.by 15 minutes.

D: Yeah I guess…I am at work, so he was bored and had no one to play with.

SILENCE

Me: Yeah thanks. Why do you have to say stuff like that.

D: I was just kidding.

Me: Mmhmm. Yeah. Good night.

D: Night.

CLICK.

Is he trying to break me or what? It seems almost every conversation lately has some sort of dig about what a pos I am.

Just wondering.

I feel like everything is falling apart.  I will no longer have a job soon.  I don’t like where I live…although I have no idea why.  I have no friends, and no one to talk to.  I feel trapped. While I love my husband, he has made it exceedingly clear, that he doesn’t want to talk to me. Ok..he will talk as long as it’s all sunshine and daisies. While it’s totally understandable to not want to listen to someone whine constantly, I am clueless as to how to fix the way I am thinking right now. 

I feel like every day is a repeat of the previous. Nothing changes.

I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. 

Is this what life is? Sitting around biding time until you die?

I need a change, but have no idea what it would be, or where to start. 

The highlight of my day? I was walking to work, and not in a good headspace. I looked up and saw a kitty sitting in a window of a house I was passing by. He was giving himself a bath.  I smiled.  These are the kind of little things I have to soak in, just to get through the day. 

What makes this worse, is that I can feel myself seeking out things that will just encourage my crappy mood. Sad songs. Listening to the news constantly. (Umm.does anything good ever happen. Damn!)

I just want to hop in the car right now and hit the road.  Where would I go? Hell if I know.  Just as long as it’s not here. 

How sad is it that I live in this cute touristy town by the ocean and I hate it?

In fact, it was downright creepy.

I dreamt that I was out in the middle of the woods somewhere, with a few people that I don’t know. (in the dream I knew them, but in real life, not so much.)

I was with a heavier set young blonde woman, who was standing on an incline next to a creek. I am not sure what she was doing..maybe fishing? I don’t know.  I was standing near her and we were talking when I noticed a human hand coming out of the wet dirt directly behind her.  I froze.  She kept talking….she didn’t see what I saw.  Soon after I saw the hand, I noticed eyes…eyes peering out from the dirt.  They seemed to still be alive, but I couldn’t tell for her.

Then…I woke up.

Not cool, right?

The phone never rings.

The doorbell never chimes.

I am just here.  

Some days I feel like I could fall off the face of the world and no one would even notice.